Thepopeofastoria’s Weblog


The Healing Power of …….BOOBIES #2
January 20, 2009, 6:59 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

The Inside of Diamonds was dark and foggy with neon lights, as expected. we were whisked past the uber thorough coat check and pat down, the second pat down, and the huge barrel of a man that threatened our lives if we did anything but give the strippers money, and the ATM with a 10$ surcharge. We got a table near the stage just in time to watch the first surgically augmented, meth addled “performer”. She was wound around the pole, which was about 15 feet from the floor, using only her thighs to hold on. She then arched her back and released the tension on her thighs, send her rocketing towards the floor head first,….dude. She caught herself, and my companions and I cheered. She finished and busied herself with a group of migrant workers that seemed obsessed with putting their heads up her butt.  We were set upon by a busty waitress, who brought us a carafe of vodka and then sat on our female companions lap, and an authentically British Bird with what is known as an apple bottom in the business, these were our female companions` “friends”.  

We explained that Mr. Rick had received bad news, and that this evening was for him, there was a harmony of effected “AWWWWWWW” from the two women, a 20$ bill was produced, and….I was lead by the hand and horribly teased and tantalized by our girl from London, what can I say except I`m the cute one? When it was over, I explained that I was not Mr. Rick, and pointed him out. He was serviced in a private room, and returned smiling like a child on Christmas. As we all watched the boobalicious waitress shamelessly flirt with our boobalicious female companion, Rick conveyed his fear for his family member`s health. This was overheard by the couple sitting next to us, and Rick was told by the man of the couple that he would suck Rick`s dick, or his girl would lap dance him right there. Oddly enough, Rick elected for option #2, and this girl stood up, and proceeded to act like a human pestle to Rick`s crotch mortar. Rick was stuffing dollar bills wherever he could, and clothing started to loosen. After being threatened with certain death by Maglite at the hands of a bouncer, the girl stopped. Apparently strippers have unions, and they dont take kindly to scabs. At this point our female companion left for the bathroom with the waitress, maybe she was sick? And Rick and I were left to drink and carouse, saying horrible things to strippers for 1$; “Do you think you would be in Med School right now if your Stepfather hadnt touched you there when you were young?” and the like. And then Rick saw her, the erotic equivalent of  a Obama opening a PHISH show for U of Vermont democrat, the redheaded goth chick stripper. Every man has his version of feminine kryptonite, and this is Ricks. Immediately we found our female companion, pooled out money, and sent Rick off to heaven, with me in tow, y`know, to make sure she did a good job and stuff…..Rick decided he wanted to handle this alone, I respected his wishes.

On the ride home Rick told us that we were his heroes, and that if he had inhaled deeply during his time with Ol` Red he would have been thrown out for committing cunnilingus, thats how close she was. He got out of the car smiling that night, and said that he had accepted the fact that all he could do for his family member was to stick close to him, and be as supportive as he could. I reassured him that modern medicine makes a big difference, and that early detection gives you a much better chance of survival. (my Nana is a nurse, so I know these things.)

“I havent been out of the house in weeks, and I havent been answering my phone for about two months, thanks you guys, you saved me, and thanks the Pope of Astoria for me!”

Well Rick, I can assure you, the Pope says you`re welcome.



The Healing power of…………BOOBIES
January 19, 2009, 9:16 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Recently a parishoner, a Mr. Rick, received some sad and fearful news concerning the health of a family member. Upon hearing this, the Pope immediately dispatched me to his side, to both comfort him and renew his faith in life. Our journey swerved through the urban landscape, from mass transit, to sidewalk, to trendy, yet not overly crowded watering hole Holiday Club( I only drank cokes, I swear). After a few rounds of memory making in the photo booth, followed by a few more rounds of cokes, one of which, the last one, ws purchased by our server, they always throw that one on top at the end to make sure you are that less able to deal with the outside world. As we were leaving, our female companion suggested we take Mr. Rick to a very special place, a place where cares like his are massaged away through visual and mental stimulation, a place known as Diamonds Gentlemans Club. We sped through the cold midwestern night, hell bent on saving a manfrom despair, we had a purpose, a half a tank of gas, and had to stop at Wendy`s because if we were going to keep going like this, I was totally going to need somethingin my stomach to soak up all the excess….coca cola. We arrived at  the club and our lady friend garnered us free entry and much attention from two of the performers of miracles. …….(to be continued)