Thepopeofastoria’s Weblog


Red Line, You are pushing ME to redline.
December 16, 2009, 6:06 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom, Uncategorized

Ahh, Chicago. The Windy City, Urbs in Horto, City in a Garden. The thing is this garden turns more frigid than Tiger Woods` gilted wife from November to March. But this does not derail the ritual of the morning commute. Im not sure if its the stress of maxed out credit cards, or loads of Chinese made plastic crap filling people`s closets, but Chicago, you need to understand something…..we STILL HAVE TO RIDE TOGETHER. I dont care if your great Aunt Harriet gave you a one-two punch of “you`re getting fat….why arent`t you married yet” last week, or if your boss promoted ” some dick right out of school that just fucks around on the computer. What happened to people skills?” 

We all still have to take the Red Line to work on these ridiculously freezing mornings, and your individual ego-wounds that you feel entitle you to declare marshall law inside L cars does not wash with this guy. Here is a quick recap of my commute in today:

7:35-Wilson. Board train

7:37: Sheridan. First stop, people pour in. I move back to allow them in as a gesture of goodwill.

7:40-Addison, the Wrigleyville stop. Representatives of the often aritiscally maligned “mass market demographic” pile in.

7:43-Belmont. This is normally where all the “freaky freakies” hang out. But its freezing, and its Tuesday morning, so instead I get pushy future minivan driving, mom jean wearing women wiping frost of the outside of the L car window and pointing to various riders demanindg that they move over for them. This is the beginning…

7:48-Fullerton. A long delay at Belmont because people would not relinquish their spots, thereby preventing the doors from closing prefaces our arrival. Think of people with their bags wedged between doors struggling to close obilviously looking around for the cause of the delay, and trying to blame others. More people pile in, at this point Im pretty much holding hands with two douchewanks on a support pole for lack of space and have my Starbucks practically in my collar like those muslim women that put their cell phones in their Berkas so they can talk while pushing their strollers in the park.

7:51-North & Clybourn. People are putting their heads down and bulling their way into the cars. Because, if they dont get to their office on time, somebody ELSE will load the copy machine/eat the jelly donut/sit in on the meeting. Except for an effeminate Asian guy, who I`ll call “Fang” who had as much space as he  needed while rocking out to  Lady Gaga on his iPod and swinging his Fendi scarf around. Silly Midwesterners, gayness isnt contagious!

7:54-Clark & Division. ‘Pinky’ boards the train. She is a small, scowling sort with a bright pink satiny jacket who MUST push her way far back into that car instead of waiting for the conductor announced train that was right behind this one. I understand time constraints, but to push your way in while uttering things like “Gawd, just move!” and “Uhhh, come on, Im right here!” I cant get behind that. “Pinky” also has two huge bags full of god knows what, and a loud ass friend in tow.

7:56-Chicago Ave.  “Pinky” gets on her phone, which you can now do underground, and complains about people who “wont move”. She looks over her shoulder and demands people move back for her so she can set her bags down, going as far as pointing out space for people to move to. Nevermind that the spaces she pointed out would require the ability to levitate to fill.

7:59-Grand. One more stop until I get off.  “Pinky” is alternately yammering on the phone, and pushing back the phalanx with her copious posterior. “Fang” is rocking out to “boys, boys,boys” but the looks of his lip synching.

8:01-Lake. “Pinky” turns, looks right at me and says “Ughhh, can you PLEASE moooovuuhhh!!???!!  And I say, ” Girlie, I`ll do you one better, Im getting off here. But in the future, you might have an easier time if you laid off midnight rendezvous with Ben and Jerry. Look at me, I`m close enough to this account type fellow to make it legal in New Hampshire!”

…or did I just shuffle past her and “accidentally” let my foot get in the way of her foot, sending the hot mess that she is into another group on the train that had yet to have the full on “Pinky” experience?

After all, it is Christmastime. What with goodwill toward men and sharing and such.

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