Thepopeofastoria’s Weblog


Hokay,…..here`s a what you gotta do….
January 30, 2011, 2:56 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Jerzette-  Answers in line below.

1. Let’s say I go to the bar with my girlfriends, is it true that a guy is less likely to approach me? Should I isolate myself? Besides my prompting (and looks obviously), what would encourage  a guy to come over and talk to me?

Yeah, guys aren`t very good at approaching you. Most guys will stick with there own packs for fear of rejection. Isolating yourself can be good if you have some eye contact/mojo going on with a certain guy and want to give him the extra, EXTRA go-ahead to come talk to you. There are a few types of guys that you want to be wary of though. 1.) the kinda average guy who walks around smiling and talking to everybody.(Hes trying to play the numbers game of asking 10 girls to f*ck, and maybe one will say yes). 2.) The extremely good looking guy who suddenly “notices” you across the bar and slides over to whisk you away from your friends. (hes most likely after something bigger, and is using his looks to get it.) But, above all, if a guy is really interested, he`ll get motivated and come talk to you.

2. What actions would make a guy not want to come over and talk to me? What topics are not appropriate when a guy first starts talking to me?

if you are way too drunk and just hanging out with all of your way too drunk girlfriends screaming “Wooooooooo!” for no reason, that will turn most guys off. If a guy comes over to talk to you, hes gonna be nervous, so if you can, jus try to stick to asking him questions about himself first. So, “whats your name?” “where did you go to college?” “What do you do for a living?” Then move into better stuff like, “What made you want to come over here and talk to me?”


3. How do I set myself apart from other beautiful girls at a bar/social event?

Eh, there really isnt much you can do here. Stereotypically “hot” girls are gonna draw the crowd at first, …always. Thing is, girls like that only get along with stereotypically “hot” guys most of the time, so all the guys with something to say/opinions/and IQ above 85 will inevitably get bored and look to do/go somewhere else. So, best thing you can do is not act jealous, not pander for attention, and just kinda bide your time until they get bored with the shiny object. If people do want to go somewhere else, recommend a different place if you can, then you`re the “good idea chick”.

4. When guys get my number, why don’t they ever call?

Cause they were just using you as target practice for when they can find “better” girls to hit on. So, same reason you guys dont call/dont return messages.

5. When a guy goes to a bar, what are his expectations for the night?

If he`s with a bunch of guys, to get drunk and rowdy. This includes doing a bunch of shots, picking fights over pool games, puking in alleys, trying to make out with as many chicks as they can whilst using a fake name, etc. If he`s by himself, or with one other friend and its NOT a sports bar with a big game on, …meet chicks.

6. When the guy does call, why does he wait so long before making that call?

Because of the movie “Swingers.” Two days is like industry standard, six days is kinda money…..

They think it makes them look unavailable and will in turn make you want them more.

7. If I get the guy’s number, can I call him the next day?

Two days is like, industry standard. Six days is kinda money……

Im just kidding. Two or three days is fine. Gives you enough time to sort through all the details with your girlfriends and for him to start wondering if you`ll call.

8.What do you think of online dating? Do you think that’s a good way to meet a guy?  What should I/shouldn’t I put in a profile?

Its a good way to keep a superficial toe in the water. I would lean toward saying that sites you pay for like eHarmony, Match.com and JDate have more serious people on it. OkCupid is like an open air market for genitalia.

So, to recap, here is a sketch of what guys deal with when trying to approach girls. (Thank you to Jon Favreau  and “Swingers”)

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The Wheels Are Turning
January 29, 2011, 10:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

1. Let’s say I go to the bar with my girlfriends, is it true that a guy is less likely to approach me? Should I isolate myself? Besides my prompting (and looks obviously), what would encourage  a guy to come over and talk to me?

2. What actions would make a guy not want to come over and talk to me? What topics are not appropriate when a guy first starts talking to me?

3. How do I set myself apart from other beautiful girls at a bar/social event?

4. When guys get my number, why don’t they ever call?

5. When a guy goes to a bar, what are his expectations for the night?

6. When the guy does call, why does he wait so long before making that call?

7. If I get the guy’s number, can I call him the next day?

3.What do you think of online dating? Do you think that’s a good way to meet a guy?  What should I/shouldn’t I put in a profile?



Come on, bite the Apple….
January 29, 2011, 7:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Faithful Jerzette-

You will have many conflicting and complimenting feelings during this trying period, at one moment they may seem solidified, and at another quite scattered. Trust that eventually, the pain you feel will become the less discernable part of the situation you were extricated from. You will eventually accept the idea that at the time of your relationship, neither of you were fit to participate in one which would end in a marriage. (some term this “successful”).

That being said, you are doing a good job of not distracting your self form feeling your feelings, nor giving them way too much power over you. Now you come to the point where your filthy, worldly, flesh driven urges and desire for companionship bring you to a crossroads as tehy do for all healthy young people…..the dating world.

And as Eve once said to Adam, “Come here, bite this apple…..”

 

1.  What do guys look for in a female that would make him approach her?

As with girls, every guy looks for something different. But, generally speaking, when you go out put on some makeup, make your lips look inviting (gloss, etc.) and wear some that shows off your Assets but isnt slutty. We like to see what your body looks like without being given the whole thing. Trust me, our imaginations for that sort of thing are highly developed.

2. How do I need to present myself in a way that a guy would be comfortable in approaching me? ie dressing up – so he doesn’t think I am a slut or too boring, posture, conversation, eye contact, etc…

See above for some of this. But, as far as being approachable, this is where the game starts being played. Guys will most likely not approach you in bars because they think that women act like they do in porn and fall at their feet all the time,…yeah, that never happens, cause its porn not real life. Best thing you can do, is pick out a few guys you would want to talk to you, catch their eyes, hold them for a second, and then give a little wave and say hello. This way, even across the bar he is sure that you want to talk to him and the onus is on him to start something. (he`ll know this.) If he doesnt approach you, hes either not interested or has no spine and has thus eliminated himself from competition.

3. Do I tell guys that I am newly single? Is that a bad idea?

If you are just looking to get your plumbing cleaned, mentioning this after the fact can be a great escape tactic. But if you are actually trying to practice getting to know someone, flirting, etc. its not a good idea. Its a red flag to guys when we hear that. Its like you are giving your self the go-ahead for erratic behavior. Most guys have been in a situation (at least once in college) where they meet an attractive girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend and they think they will be the recipient of some ‘I need to feel attractive” nookie but end up listening to her cry at 4am after having run up a 120$ bar tab.

4. If a guy tries to give me his number do I take it or instead ask to give him mine? If I ask him for his number, does that hurt his manhood?

If a guy gives you his number, just take it. That way its up to you if you wanna call him the next day. (you guys get beer goggles too) If you give him your number, he`s 95% gonna contact you, so be sure you want that to happen. If you ask for his number it doesnt hurt his manhood, it just pumps up his ego. Plain spoken-ness of interest is never a bad tactic with guys.

5. How do I nicely reject a guy’s advances?

You let him talk to you, but dont let him buy you any drinks. Then, when he gets to familiar, you say “Im having an ok time talking with you, but physically you arent what Im attracted to. I just wanted to tell you” And then let him go on blabbering without missing a beat. If it doesnt sink in there, just be firmer later. It`ll work. Nobody in a bar likes to see some skeezebag taintgargle harassing a girl who isnt having it. When you go to a bar with your girlfriends, you are bringing the most valuable “commodity” to “the market”. As long as you dont abuse that power, you can control your night very well.

6. Should I buy a drink for a guy I like or should I wait until he comes over to me?

Only if he buys you a drink first and you actually like him.

7. How do I get a guy I’m attracted to come up and talk to me?

See above and do the “wave” thing.

8. How do I know if a guy just wants to sleep with me?

He`ll overcompliment you, try to get you drunk/pay for everything/get too touchy feely/ engage in too much alpha male display behavior. That, or if you see him going from girl to girl trying the same line over and over. Usually, what will happen is he will get waaay more drunk than you and start slurring his inner filthy desires “sexily” in your ear (read: slobber). Just push him off of you. If he wont go away, tell the bouncer or bartender, they`ll handle it.

Even though I may not be ready to jump into another relationship just yet, your guidance will give me the confidence for when I am ready.  The breakup with my ex was heartbreaking because I thought ‘he was the one’. Even though this breakup was tough, it has strengthened my desire to find a compatible partner. It has only made me stronger. Again, thank you for your advice, patience and listening to my wailing.

Of course my child. I am here on a mission of mercy. Everyone thinks the one they are with before the find their mate is “the one”. Its natural to not want to go through 100 iterations of dating a parter before finding one, we  all want this process to end as quickly as it can.

I leave you with the words of the great Paul Westerberg:

 



Getting back in the game
January 29, 2011, 3:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dearest Pope,

Thank you for your patience and understanding in this difficult time.  As of tomorrow, my breakup will have hit the one month mark. I have gone through a lot of emotions this month. In the beginning I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I felt like a hollow shell of a person.  That being said , I am extremely blessed to only be going through a breakup as opposed to something much more terrible. Things have gotten better. I go through my tough moments, especially when I have a lot of quiet time to myself. I don’t try to avoid my feelings I actually welcome them and allow myself to remember things and be in the moment. Things are getting better for me. As I approach this one month mark I have come to the realization that my ex will not try to call me. It’s a tough thing to face but I know it has to be for the best. I know now that it’s time to move on. I held onto  hope that things could possibly work out but I see that is highly unlikely. I am ready to move forward and to see what future lies ahead.

It’s been a long time since I have participated in the ‘dating world’. I am a little scared and intimidated. I feel like everything you once taught me has been forgotten. I was once fully confident I could successfully utilize what you taught me to navigate the ‘dating world’. Seeing as I have lost my confidence, I need your  guidance once again. I don’t feel totally ready to jump into that scene again because I need to clarify for myself what I truly want out of life in general and then what I want out of a partner. But I have been thinking about dating since I joined a friend at a bar last night and was surrounded by the early 20s bar social scene. Which inevitably leads me to these questions/concerns:

1.  What do guys look for in a female that would make him approach her?

2. How do I need to present myself in a way that a guy would be comfortable in approaching me? ie dressing up – so he doesn’t think I am a slut or too boring, posture, conversation, eye contact, etc…

3. Do I tell guys that I am newly single? Is that a bad idea?

4. If a guy tries to give me his number do I take it or instead ask to give him mine? If I ask him for his number, does that hurt his manhood?

5. How do I nicely reject a guy’s advances?

6. Should I buy a drink for a guy I like or should I wait until he comes over to me?

7. How do I get a guy I’m attracted to come up and talk to me?

8. How do I know if a guy just wants to sleep with me?

Even though I may not be ready to jump into another relationship just yet, your guidance will give me the confidence for when I am ready.  The breakup with my ex was heartbreaking because I thought ‘he was the one’. Even though this breakup was tough, it has strengthened my desire to find a compatible partner. It has only made me stronger. Again, thank you for your advice, patience and listening to my wailing.



Your Fix,…….Your Arsenal
January 27, 2011, 3:13 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hello My Child. Below are your answers. I appreciate the strength it takes to exhaust your depth of feeling on something like this.

1. Pope, it’s going to be a month since we broke up. I haven’t heard from him, I haven’t called him but I’m starting to break down. I really want to call him or text him. Can I? What if I say, “I hope you’re doing well?” That’s not so bad, is it? What will he think? Will he think, “Oh my God (excuse the phrase), I miss her so much.” And then he’ll remember how awesome I am.

DONT CALL HIM. That being said, DONT CALL HIM. You aren`t breaking down, you`re looking for something to make the pain stop. Thats normal, the pain of something like this is usually a new and confusing experience. So, DONT CALL HIM. I know you want him to respond a certain way, but the awful truth is there is very little garauntee that he will respond the way you want. You dont really hope hes doing well, you hope he responds with desperate remorse so that you feel soothed. This isnt an evil thing to want, its a normal part of coping. If he ever does regret breaking up with you, its not something you can coerce out of him, he`s going to come to it on his own. Try to quiet your ego here, it will only cause you more trouble than its worth. (ie. it will result in a lengthy string of pathetic tableaus involving the two of you showing each other how pathetic and hurt you really are. Its not worth the effort.) DONT CALL OR TEXT HIM, ITS NOT OK!!!

2. So it’s been a month, will he call me now? When should I give up hope?

I cant say definitely that he wont call, but hes missed the window to rekindle things by now. You should give up hope now.


3.  Since it’s been a month, is he thinking the same thing? Is he longingly looking at my stuff? Do you think he kept the stuff I gave him? What do you think he’s doing with the stuff he gave me that I in return gave back to him because I couldn’t look at it?

Your stuff definitely is on his mind. I dont know him so I dont know that I can surmise what he`s doing with it. But know that he certainly knows where all of it is at all times. He probably kept the stuff that still served a useful purpose (think the can opener you bought and didnt think of when you left, hes probably obsessing over something like that, if at all) but other than that he probably has put as much space between himself and anything that reminds him of you as you have of anything that reminds you of him. The stuff he gave you that you returned, its possible he threw away. This is because its something he gave to you with a loving intention, and he knows he deserves to have it thrown back in his face.

4. Do you think he’s thinking that I’m the one who got away?

Mmm, if he does think that, its going to take a while longer for him to realize and it will again be on his own.  This also posits that he is committed to taking this breakup as a chance to critique himself and make some adjustments. Some people never adjust after this and just think that its the rest of the world who is crazy.

 

I know this may not be as comforting as you would like, but these are the hard answers to ahrd questions that arise out of things like these.

Go in peace my child,

Pope.



Addicted to the Pope
January 26, 2011, 2:24 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Pope, you are definitely opening my eyes. I’m beginning to see how correct the statement,  “Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus” really is.

1. Pope, it’s going to be a month since we broke up. I haven’t heard from him, I haven’t called him but I’m starting to break down. I really want to call him or text him. Can I? What if I say, “I hope you’re doing well?” That’s not so bad, is it? What will he think? Will he think, “Oh my God (excuse the phrase), I miss her so much.” And then he’ll remember how awesome I am.

2. So it’s been a month, will he call me now? When should I give up hope?

3.  Since it’s been a month, is he thinking the same thing? Is he longingly looking at my stuff? Do you think he kept the stuff I gave him? What do you think he’s doing with the stuff he gave me that I in return gave back to him because I couldn’t look at it?

4. Do you think he’s thinking that I’m the one who got away?



Miracle in Jerz
January 25, 2011, 2:57 am
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

What ho?! It is a member of the Pope`s flock in distress! Thank you for your compliments my child, and now on with your questions. Answers are provided below in line.

1. Ok, so when a guy wants ‘his space’, it’s only natural for me to want to connect more. So what should I do?

You should remind yourself that you need to back away. If it sounds simple, it is. Guys aren`t emotionally driven, we are process driven. A guy wanting space from you is him being engaged in a process to fix a problem. The upside is, he will figure it out and come back to you with a topic for conversation which will hopefully lead to a new resolution in your relationship. The downside is, he will realize he cant/ doesn`t want to be with you anymore.

2. If a guy wants space, is it a good idea to take a break from the relationship? Do taking breaks in a relationship even work? When is that not a good idea?

Taking a break always seems like the most pragmatic and practical solution, and girls do strive to be both pragmatic and practical. But, its usually a bad idea. It puts everything in a grey area and softens people`s adherence to their responsibilities. How many times have you heard a fighting couple say “we were on a BREAK!! It doesn`t count!!” about infidelity?? yeah,…… Infidelity makes the Pope dole out heavy penance. Plus, whomever initiates the break usually fore-feits all their bargaining power. So, if you tell your guy that you are on a break, you are basically giving him license to be single again with the option of coming back to you if he doesnt like it or cant find a better deal. Do you really wanna be 2nd prize?  I cant say that breaks never work, im sure they do sometimes. Ive just never heard of it.

3. Why does a guy take so long to realize he made a mistake?

Ahhh, the simplest questions are the most profound! See, while you girls were off learning how to praise us for nothing, ingratiate yourself to every other girl and then secretly hate them, go to the bathroom in groups, have a feeling about something and then do the opposite action, use a tampon, put on eyeliner, eat because you are upset etc. boys were off with their fathers, being taught one thing…..MAKE  DECISION AND MAKE IT FINAL. (yeah, it was taught with that much emphasis) If a guy breaks up with you, he makes a decision in that fashion, he recognizes that about himself. Its usually one of the few things that is familiar to him during periods like those that lead to a breakup. Guys rarely interact with each other through questioning their decisions together, its more of a competition about how responsible you can be for the decisions you make. So, by the time he frees himself from that social construct and decides he might have been wrong, his girls has already hidden 4 salamis and “has feelings for him still, …just,…just not love.”

4. So since ‘my guy’ decided to break up with me because he had to ‘work through stuff’. How long does that take and what is he actually doing to ‘work through stuff’? And is he looking at other girls?

He`s probably looking, but it doesnt feel like it should. He probably notices girls that remind him of you more than anything else. The stuff hes working through is ACTUALLY becoming a man rather than just looking and talking like one. its an extensive process. It could take 6 weeks, it could take 16 years. The point is, it doesnt matter how long it takes him, because you wont want him back even if he does come. Its like when girls talk about how much they want you to take them to brunch allllll weeeeek loooong, then by the time you actually, GET to brunch, they dont want anything. Its the anticipation they crave, its the boost to the ego from getting someone to obey your feminine wiles. You people dont give a heretic`s shout in hell for your eggs benedict and mimosas.

5. Does he actually talk to his guy friends about our breakup? Would he say it’s his fault? And would he bash me to his friends?

He does. Hes probably finding out who his true friends are and who his drinking buddies are. Hes probably not bashing as long as you didnt cheat on him or whatever. Will he say its his fault, hmmm. If a tree falls in the woods, and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? …….exactly. If you found out he said it was his fault, you would just be mad that he didnt realize it sooner, while you were together, …because men are always so stubborn!!! Ugh!!!

6. Is it ok to be friends with his friends? There’s this one friend of his who I get along with very well and I’d like to keep in touch with him. Is that wrong? Would his friend tell him about what I’m up to?

Im a big believer in the zero contact policy and severing all ties. But, if you think you can really be friends with this person, you should try. Just lay the ground rules that you dont want any information to leak from either side. If its not going to work past a certain point, you`ll know.

 

I am always here for you my child, to soothe your pain and provide quotable wit whilst mocking the petty annoyances of relationship construct.

Pope-men. ( I cant really say Amen and get away with it now can I?)