Thepopeofastoria’s Weblog

April 3, 2013, 11:13 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom, Uncategorized

ok, ok, I know…`re fucking “special” you “just light up a room” (according to your Aunt Marian) and in allll your high school dance/ sorority/fraternity formal photos you always struck a “different” pose than everyone.  And because of this and your either wildly out of check or profoundly insecure ego, you chose to major in Theater/Painting/Vocal Performance/ International Affairs & Interpretive dance….


An arts degree in this era`s job market is pretty close to getting a Nazi tattoo on your fucking forehead. Its a terrible fucking idea, nobody will believe your rationale even if they say they do, and its permanent. ITS A PERMANENT FUCK UP.  Maybe you`re a rich kid who`s father owns a successful company and he`s going to hire you no matter what, still no safety. Everyone who isnt your Dad`s spawn worked really hard to get there and they want to know exactly what kind of kid they are going to have to babysit. Once they find out you think youre an actor or rockstar your credibility is pretty much shot with them too. Here are the top reasons why youre a dumbfuck if you go to college for an art degree:

1) See Nazi forehead tattoo analogy

2) People will ALWAYS think you are either stupid or emotionally unstable

3) You spent 4 years learning exactly zero useful real word skills. Doing a sound and movement exercise called “What IS a spreadsheet? : a 9/11 retrospective” is nowhere near the same as knowing how to use a pivot table or vlookup.

4) You severely limit your power to negotiate…..anything. This is because a) you never learned how or what regular people want or need and b) by getting an arts degree you “signal” (in the economic sense, look it up James Dean!) that you are juuuust fine and dandy being a low level drone and willing to accept whatever “direction” you are given. Training as an artist  in an academic setting actually kills your free thinking ability because in order to grade you they need an objective goal for you to hit, which becomes your ability to “take direction”.  Do you think Bill Gates waited to find out what his “character motivation” was, NO he did not. He built Microsoft, what the fuck did you do today? Learn more lines from Fight Club and skip class? Greeeeaaaaat…..

5) NOBODY FUCKING CARES.  This is the one that I think shocks most 19-21 year old dipshits the most. I know, you `ve been told your whole life that everything you do or think is unique and deserves a spot on the grand fridge of life. It very well might, but until you convince at least 100,000 people to think exactly like your dear old mom and dad, it doesn`t amount to a hill of catshit.( oh, also fuck your cat and its stupid artistic name). is this a shock? Absolutely. Is it fair? Absolutely not.  Is it the way it is?  Always has been.  People talk about following their passion all the time. This is good advice except they leave out the portion about having to sacrifice, make the tough choices and work very, very hard to earn that chance. Arts programs do you a grave disservice by helping you buy into the fact that its all the fluffy bullshit that matters.

6) The arts is a business, but its the shittiest run business in the world. Its full of selfish, pathological assholes who need to affirm their self worth by keeping others down. Its a vicious, negative, ugly cycle that takes perfectly able people and wastes the 20 best years of their lives in dining rooms and bars waiting on assholes who most certainly can only pay for people to hand around and be nice to them.

That being said, if you are young, swallow this pill and take some action. If you really love sculpting, or painting, or whatever, thats fine. You should follow it up, but the fact is nobody can be prolific and do anything for 24 hours a day. Having no job to “work on your craft” just leads to getting drunk in your friends` kitchens and getting into fights with your boyfriend/girlfriend because you have no direction no job and nothing to show for it. Don`t get it twisted, having a restaurant job is just subsidized alcoholism. You work odd hours, you get out at 2am with a hand full of cash and all your other addict co-workers egging you on. You wake up the next day at 3 in the afternoon hungover, and you have to be back to do it all over again at 5, so where did your creative time go?

Every artist needs a patron, and this not being 1613, we all have to be our own patrons. Would it really be so terrible to get an accounting or finance or MIS degree and have a real job to support yourself?  You can buy all the pottery clay you need, you can audition on weekends, you can take exotic vacations to get yourself some inspiration for paintings. THATS how people make it. Its never overnight, it just looks that way.

How do I know this? Because I was once you, I made the huge fucking mistake of huffing my own farts and it fucked me. Im in business school now, and EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW all they want to talk about is acting. Its like being a convicted sex offender, it just wont go away. I wish someone would have told me this at 20, I might have listened.

Art is a hobby, its not a job. If it becomes a job, you`ve gotten lucky. If not, they be happy with whatever fulfillment it gives you and go out and live a good life in spite of the allure of fame.


February 6, 2011, 1:25 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

Inside the Pope`s Diocese, there has been an interest in the recent inquiry by a faithful girl in New Jersey. One of the less reputable members of the flock here in Astoria of the male designation submitted a salvo of questions directly to Jerzette, and I have published the responses in the interest of fairness.

1. why do you guys post yourselves on dating sites, yet never respond to messages even though your profile EXPLICITLY says you are looking for someone? PLUS ,……YOU ARE ON A DATING SITE, NOT AN “I NEED ATTENTION” SITE!!!!

Either A. because we lost interest and haven’t checked our profile in ages or B. because we don’t think you’re cute.

2. why do you let boyfriends Commit a mistake past the point of reconciliation before confronting them about it?
We always wait for you to come around and realize what you’ve done. I think women feel that when they do something they think of all the possibilities and every person’s possible feelings involved. So we think men will do the same thing. We don’t feel that we need to comment until obviously it gets very far out of hand. Partly, we also want you to mind read. We think that being in a relationship that our partner will know us inside and out so we will feel that they will know what we’re thinking all the time and we won’t have to tell you when you do something’ll just know. This is obviously not the smartest idea because communication is key.

3. Why is EVERYTHING about your family and friends?
Family is very important to us because one day we want to have a family of our own. For most of us at least, our moms are our best friends and the most important people in our lives. Plus, our family has always been there for us (no offense, way before you were even a glint in our eyes..hahaha sorry). The same attitude towards friends. Girl time is so important so we can gossip (mostly about you) and laugh and be stupid. Girl time is a release and allows us to emotionally bond with like minded people who understand.

4. Why do you always have to do the opposite of what you claim you want to do? (think ordering food in restaurants and not eating it, saying you want to work out and then eating ice cream in front of the TV is your sweatpants, etc.)
Part of this is being indecisive….’it’s a girl’s prerogative to change her mind.” And we do THAT a lot. We love you and want your approval and we want to include you in the decision. So when we ask you “Do you want to order Chinese food?” We truly want your opinion. Saying, “I don’t know dear, whatever you want,” does not help in the slightest. We always have 20 reasons why we ask you something. Most of the time, questions are never simple. For example, when we ask you if you want to eat Chinese because 1. We really want to eat it but don’t want to seem like a pig because we ate it last week so we need your approval 2. We’re really lazy and don’t want to cook but we want your approval that it’s ok, etc and so forth. To some degree we say things because we want you to feel highly of us but do the opposite because we’re feeling lazy that day (gym and sweatpants) or don’t want to look fat (ordering and not eating food). However, when you’re in doubt, it’s because we don’t want to seem fat.

5. Why do you have to eat off of our plates when you have your own food in front of you?
Because you’re my boyfriend and I can. Couples do those kinds of things, right? And your food is different and was something I was thinking about ordering so I’m just going to help myself!

6. Why do you feel the urge to keep seeing/talking to/fucking ex boyfriends without the intention of ever getting back together?
We need the attention. We need to feel that we are worthy and beautiful. When you are lonely or have just broken up with a guy you think about getting confirmation from somebody (what better person then that ex boyfriend who tried his hardest to get you back), some kind of love and affection. So unfortunately, we go for easy targets.

7. What the fuck is the deal with letting EVERYONE know that you LOVE TO LAUGH?!?!?!? Who DOESNT like laughing? Seriously, why does that make you so unique?
Because we think it makes us sound like a fun, happy, easy going lady.

Miracle in Jerz
January 25, 2011, 2:57 am
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

What ho?! It is a member of the Pope`s flock in distress! Thank you for your compliments my child, and now on with your questions. Answers are provided below in line.

1. Ok, so when a guy wants ‘his space’, it’s only natural for me to want to connect more. So what should I do?

You should remind yourself that you need to back away. If it sounds simple, it is. Guys aren`t emotionally driven, we are process driven. A guy wanting space from you is him being engaged in a process to fix a problem. The upside is, he will figure it out and come back to you with a topic for conversation which will hopefully lead to a new resolution in your relationship. The downside is, he will realize he cant/ doesn`t want to be with you anymore.

2. If a guy wants space, is it a good idea to take a break from the relationship? Do taking breaks in a relationship even work? When is that not a good idea?

Taking a break always seems like the most pragmatic and practical solution, and girls do strive to be both pragmatic and practical. But, its usually a bad idea. It puts everything in a grey area and softens people`s adherence to their responsibilities. How many times have you heard a fighting couple say “we were on a BREAK!! It doesn`t count!!” about infidelity?? yeah,…… Infidelity makes the Pope dole out heavy penance. Plus, whomever initiates the break usually fore-feits all their bargaining power. So, if you tell your guy that you are on a break, you are basically giving him license to be single again with the option of coming back to you if he doesnt like it or cant find a better deal. Do you really wanna be 2nd prize?  I cant say that breaks never work, im sure they do sometimes. Ive just never heard of it.

3. Why does a guy take so long to realize he made a mistake?

Ahhh, the simplest questions are the most profound! See, while you girls were off learning how to praise us for nothing, ingratiate yourself to every other girl and then secretly hate them, go to the bathroom in groups, have a feeling about something and then do the opposite action, use a tampon, put on eyeliner, eat because you are upset etc. boys were off with their fathers, being taught one thing…..MAKE  DECISION AND MAKE IT FINAL. (yeah, it was taught with that much emphasis) If a guy breaks up with you, he makes a decision in that fashion, he recognizes that about himself. Its usually one of the few things that is familiar to him during periods like those that lead to a breakup. Guys rarely interact with each other through questioning their decisions together, its more of a competition about how responsible you can be for the decisions you make. So, by the time he frees himself from that social construct and decides he might have been wrong, his girls has already hidden 4 salamis and “has feelings for him still, …just,…just not love.”

4. So since ‘my guy’ decided to break up with me because he had to ‘work through stuff’. How long does that take and what is he actually doing to ‘work through stuff’? And is he looking at other girls?

He`s probably looking, but it doesnt feel like it should. He probably notices girls that remind him of you more than anything else. The stuff hes working through is ACTUALLY becoming a man rather than just looking and talking like one. its an extensive process. It could take 6 weeks, it could take 16 years. The point is, it doesnt matter how long it takes him, because you wont want him back even if he does come. Its like when girls talk about how much they want you to take them to brunch allllll weeeeek loooong, then by the time you actually, GET to brunch, they dont want anything. Its the anticipation they crave, its the boost to the ego from getting someone to obey your feminine wiles. You people dont give a heretic`s shout in hell for your eggs benedict and mimosas.

5. Does he actually talk to his guy friends about our breakup? Would he say it’s his fault? And would he bash me to his friends?

He does. Hes probably finding out who his true friends are and who his drinking buddies are. Hes probably not bashing as long as you didnt cheat on him or whatever. Will he say its his fault, hmmm. If a tree falls in the woods, and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? …….exactly. If you found out he said it was his fault, you would just be mad that he didnt realize it sooner, while you were together, …because men are always so stubborn!!! Ugh!!!

6. Is it ok to be friends with his friends? There’s this one friend of his who I get along with very well and I’d like to keep in touch with him. Is that wrong? Would his friend tell him about what I’m up to?

Im a big believer in the zero contact policy and severing all ties. But, if you think you can really be friends with this person, you should try. Just lay the ground rules that you dont want any information to leak from either side. If its not going to work past a certain point, you`ll know.


I am always here for you my child, to soothe your pain and provide quotable wit whilst mocking the petty annoyances of relationship construct.

Pope-men. ( I cant really say Amen and get away with it now can I?)


Red Line, You are pushing ME to redline.
December 16, 2009, 6:06 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom, Uncategorized

Ahh, Chicago. The Windy City, Urbs in Horto, City in a Garden. The thing is this garden turns more frigid than Tiger Woods` gilted wife from November to March. But this does not derail the ritual of the morning commute. Im not sure if its the stress of maxed out credit cards, or loads of Chinese made plastic crap filling people`s closets, but Chicago, you need to understand something…..we STILL HAVE TO RIDE TOGETHER. I dont care if your great Aunt Harriet gave you a one-two punch of “you`re getting fat….why arent`t you married yet” last week, or if your boss promoted ” some dick right out of school that just fucks around on the computer. What happened to people skills?” 

We all still have to take the Red Line to work on these ridiculously freezing mornings, and your individual ego-wounds that you feel entitle you to declare marshall law inside L cars does not wash with this guy. Here is a quick recap of my commute in today:

7:35-Wilson. Board train

7:37: Sheridan. First stop, people pour in. I move back to allow them in as a gesture of goodwill.

7:40-Addison, the Wrigleyville stop. Representatives of the often aritiscally maligned “mass market demographic” pile in.

7:43-Belmont. This is normally where all the “freaky freakies” hang out. But its freezing, and its Tuesday morning, so instead I get pushy future minivan driving, mom jean wearing women wiping frost of the outside of the L car window and pointing to various riders demanindg that they move over for them. This is the beginning…

7:48-Fullerton. A long delay at Belmont because people would not relinquish their spots, thereby preventing the doors from closing prefaces our arrival. Think of people with their bags wedged between doors struggling to close obilviously looking around for the cause of the delay, and trying to blame others. More people pile in, at this point Im pretty much holding hands with two douchewanks on a support pole for lack of space and have my Starbucks practically in my collar like those muslim women that put their cell phones in their Berkas so they can talk while pushing their strollers in the park.

7:51-North & Clybourn. People are putting their heads down and bulling their way into the cars. Because, if they dont get to their office on time, somebody ELSE will load the copy machine/eat the jelly donut/sit in on the meeting. Except for an effeminate Asian guy, who I`ll call “Fang” who had as much space as he  needed while rocking out to  Lady Gaga on his iPod and swinging his Fendi scarf around. Silly Midwesterners, gayness isnt contagious!

7:54-Clark & Division. ‘Pinky’ boards the train. She is a small, scowling sort with a bright pink satiny jacket who MUST push her way far back into that car instead of waiting for the conductor announced train that was right behind this one. I understand time constraints, but to push your way in while uttering things like “Gawd, just move!” and “Uhhh, come on, Im right here!” I cant get behind that. “Pinky” also has two huge bags full of god knows what, and a loud ass friend in tow.

7:56-Chicago Ave.  “Pinky” gets on her phone, which you can now do underground, and complains about people who “wont move”. She looks over her shoulder and demands people move back for her so she can set her bags down, going as far as pointing out space for people to move to. Nevermind that the spaces she pointed out would require the ability to levitate to fill.

7:59-Grand. One more stop until I get off.  “Pinky” is alternately yammering on the phone, and pushing back the phalanx with her copious posterior. “Fang” is rocking out to “boys, boys,boys” but the looks of his lip synching.

8:01-Lake. “Pinky” turns, looks right at me and says “Ughhh, can you PLEASE moooovuuhhh!!???!!  And I say, ” Girlie, I`ll do you one better, Im getting off here. But in the future, you might have an easier time if you laid off midnight rendezvous with Ben and Jerry. Look at me, I`m close enough to this account type fellow to make it legal in New Hampshire!”

…or did I just shuffle past her and “accidentally” let my foot get in the way of her foot, sending the hot mess that she is into another group on the train that had yet to have the full on “Pinky” experience?

After all, it is Christmastime. What with goodwill toward men and sharing and such.

Papal Wisdom
August 15, 2008, 5:45 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

Pizza. It soothes the stomach. Simple; cheese, bread, tomato sauce, a trinity fit for you know who. I , The Pope of Astoria, endorse Alba`s Pizza and Restaurant on 37th street in Astoria. It is a Family business owned by the Barretta`s. ( No relation to Robert Blake`s Tony Barretta) Since 1987 they have dished out heavenly plain slices, pasta, eggplant parmesan, chicken cacciatore and….love of course. The proprietor these days is Sal Barretta, I sent my envoy, the ever lithe and expressive Mr. Coxworth for a closer look. I believe we also have connected to their website, which is, where you can order online and see for yourself.


confess at

Papal Wisdom
August 7, 2008, 8:01 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

Sandwiches. Yes, I said it. The Pope of Astoria recognizes the divine inspiration that it took to put many different kinds of food together in one casing of bread, satisfying many desires at one time. Much as our heavenly Father satisfies many wants in us all at the same time, but much moreso if you contribute to the Church of course. Rosario`s Deli in my parish of Astoria is the best place to get a sandwich. I have dispatched my envoy, the ever lithe Mr. Coxworth, to investigate. I urge you, parishoners, to visit the Popevison link and experince a bite of Rosario`s Deli for yourselves.


confess sins at

Papal Wisdom
July 27, 2008, 3:38 am
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

As we go through life, we will encounter those whom enjoy having their heads in the sand. It is best not to interfere, for there is a design in place with such people s there is with all of us. This is much akin to ordering a sandwich at a deli and requesting that there not be mayo. mayo is tasteless, offensive fat. but, if the counter jockey has his head in the sand, you will get mayo anyway. But instead of continuing the cycle of passive aggression and beating the counter jockey with a wet sock full of quarters, you must calmly wipe it away with a napkin and enjoy the salami/eggplant/turkey breast as best you can.  confess sins at: