Thepopeofastoria’s Weblog


Stirrings of the heart
March 6, 2011, 3:10 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Pope,

I attended my first bar outing as an official single lady which means that I was open albeit a little nervous to be approached by a guy.  And let me tell you, I forgot how wild the dating world is. I was excited at first and then I remembered how much it really sucks. Let me elaborate, I hate playing the games of looking interested but not too interested, thinking I am dressed sexy enough but then worrying I overdid it. Honestly, it’s very draining. Also, it seems like everyone is already hooked up with someone else, especially at my age, I feel like I’m 6 months away from becoming the crazy spinster cat lady (even though I do not currently own one cat and I’m still in my 20s–details I tell you!). The other night’s festivities (or lack thereof, depending on who you speak to) brought up a lot of issues and insecurities to the surface. So I need your help and reassurance that I’m doing the right thing.

1. The other night at the bar, I was reacquainted with someone I haven’t seen in literally years but we are facebook friends. He is someone that I would like to get to know better. We didn’t get to have the opportunity to talk at all because he was surrounded by friends that dragged him away. He facebooked me that it was nice to see me, etc when he got home at 3am. I want to facebook him back and convey that I would like to catch up with him. How do I do that?

2. Ok, actually, I’ve already done it. I did it before I could speak to you. It’s been a day and I haven’t heard anything. Should I think he’s not interested? Maybe I read too much into the fact he facebooked me at 3am. Was he just being nice because as a female, I would take it that he went out of his way to facebook me.

3. So while I was at the bar, as you know, I briefly spoke to that guy and then he was dragged away by his yelling friends. I wanted to get the opportunity to speak to him again. Pope, you  advised me via text at an ungodly hour (forgive me) to catch his eye and wave him over. Unfortunately, found him much later and he wasn’t even looking in my direction, plus, he was in deep conversation. I never waved him over and I just left the bar, not wanting to disturb him. Ugh, I’m sorry I failed. And not to be braggy (actually yes, let me be for once), I looked kinda hot..why would he not make the effort to come back over to speak to me…unless he wasn’t interested…ahhh the vicious circle!

4. Do you think I looked desperate? What do desperate women look like?

5. So all this talk is beginning to make me feel that maybe I’m not ready for the dating thing. What do you think? I seem to be obsessing….

5. But I do know what I’m not obsessing about..the older man that sat next to me on my longggg bus ride to work. It was 7am, I was feeling like crap and wanted to sleep. I knew immediately (from your past advisements) that this older somewhat creepy man was not trying to make small talk but trying to hook up with me. The fact that I could not pretend to sleep anymore and was in the window seat made me a sitting (obviously) duck to his advances. I wish I could have been a cold – hearted you know what but I couldn’t and instead participated in the most boring small talk and took his card. How could I have nipped that in the bud from the beginning (in a nice but straight forward way). And also, are all  guys oblivious to body language and tone? Because Mr. I own my own software company should have been smart enough to realize that I did not want any part of him or his ipad or kindle or fill in the blank.

6. In a nutshell, Pope, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel conflicted. I want to move on a meet someone and start a new relationship but I don’t want to be too hasty either. I’ve now been two months single and I think it’s time to jump back into the dating world. It’s become obvious to me that my ex and I are two totally different people and it will never work…so I know it’s over. I’m excited to date but I’m scared at the same time. I lived with my ex and I’m afraid that if I meet someone new and we get to that same point that the relationship will fall to pieces. I don’t want to get that far into a relationship again (2 years) and feel like I’ve wasted my time again. I don’t even know what I’m asking…just please comfort me.

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A Pope`s hurried response
February 28, 2011, 3:16 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

1. As you know, the break up with my ex caused me to move back in with my parents. I’m a little embarrassed to tell a guy this. What do guys actually think of this? How should I broach the subject that if we hang out, it will have to be at his place?

-Since you moved back home because you used to live with your boyfriend, thats all very permissible. If you lived at home because your roommates threw you out, it would be a red flag. The best way to broach the subject is to just come out with it as soon as possible, its one of those topics that the more you make of it, the larger and more damning it becomes. As far as saying you will always have to hang out at his place, no guy who is into girls will object to that,unless you try to slyly move your stuff in.

2. I was just accepted into graduate school. What do guys think of women who pursue higher education and do they have expectations attached to that?

-Thats great, congratulations to you my child! Pursuing higher education is a good thing, it shows you aren`t just focused on getting married and taking a guy`s money. As long as you aren`t trying to be an attorney who will constantly have your partner “on the stand” about everything a guy should be supportive. As far as expectation, stay away from guys who are looking for a second mother.

3. Since I am in my late twenties and hope that within the next 10 years I get married and have kids, will guys be scared by that or are they looking for the same thing?

– Some are looking for the same thing, some aren`t. Stay away from the guys who only talk about “having fun” and how important “fun” is. “Fun” above all else is basically drinking, bar games, drinking, and drinking while doing menial things to make it more fun for the unfocused, non marriage prospect guy. Of the guys who want to get married and have families, a peculiar thing gives them away, their desire to “take it slow.” I know, I know, its confusing, but when men marry, they are effectively giving up their hunting ways, and committing to create something new, something living, a legacy that will take his place. Basically, a guy getting married and having kids is a guy facing his death, and accepting it. So, really, you are looking for men who have accepted their mortality rather than those who are fighting for a delusion to keep them going.

4. I’m going to be hanging out at a bar this weekend with a lot of people my own age. I feel a little rusty. How will I know if  a guy is hitting on me, what body language should I expect to see?

– Ahh, well…. If a guy walks up to you and talks to you, ignoring other people, hes hitting on you. If he asks you a bunch of questions while trying to look you in the eye the whole time, hes hitting on you while trying to seem sincere. ( I suppose this can be seen as good, if you need to feel desireable) If he wants to dance with you and he`s sober, he`s probably a vetted cocksman, if he wants to dance and he`s drunk, hes probably an over intoxicated decent guy who has gone too far and has no ability and no business dancing. (either way, dont do the dance)



Dipping my toe in the dating pool
February 27, 2011, 10:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Pope,

The subject of this blog is a little misleading. I actually haven’t dipped my toe in the dating pool. I’ve actually just thought about it. I want to start dating again but I don’t want to just jump into another relationship just because I am a little lonely. But I have been imagining myself going on dates, having conversations with guys and I’ve formulated some questions.

1. As you know, the break up with my ex caused me to move back in with my parents. I’m a little embarrassed to tell a guy this. What do guys actually think of this? How should I broach the subject that if we hang out, it will have to be at his place?

2. I was just accepted into graduate school. What do guys think of women who pursue higher education and do they have expectations attached to that?

3. Since I am in my late twenties and hope that within the next 10 years I get married and have kids, will guys be scared by that or are they looking for the same thing?

4. I’m going to be hanging out at a bar this weekend with a lot of people my own age. I feel a little rusty. How will I know if  a guy is hitting on me, what body language should I expect to see?

Please calm my fears Pope. Thank you!



Equality
February 6, 2011, 1:25 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom

Inside the Pope`s Diocese, there has been an interest in the recent inquiry by a faithful girl in New Jersey. One of the less reputable members of the flock here in Astoria of the male designation submitted a salvo of questions directly to Jerzette, and I have published the responses in the interest of fairness.

1. why do you guys post yourselves on dating sites, yet never respond to messages even though your profile EXPLICITLY says you are looking for someone? PLUS ,……YOU ARE ON A DATING SITE, NOT AN “I NEED ATTENTION” SITE!!!!

Either A. because we lost interest and haven’t checked our profile in ages or B. because we don’t think you’re cute.

2. why do you let boyfriends Commit a mistake past the point of reconciliation before confronting them about it?
We always wait for you to come around and realize what you’ve done. I think women feel that when they do something they think of all the possibilities and every person’s possible feelings involved. So we think men will do the same thing. We don’t feel that we need to comment until obviously it gets very far out of hand. Partly, we also want you to mind read. We think that being in a relationship that our partner will know us inside and out so we will feel that they will know what we’re thinking all the time and we won’t have to tell you when you do something wrong..you’ll just know. This is obviously not the smartest idea because communication is key.

3. Why is EVERYTHING about your family and friends?
Family is very important to us because one day we want to have a family of our own. For most of us at least, our moms are our best friends and the most important people in our lives. Plus, our family has always been there for us (no offense, way before you were even a glint in our eyes..hahaha sorry). The same attitude towards friends. Girl time is so important so we can gossip (mostly about you) and laugh and be stupid. Girl time is a release and allows us to emotionally bond with like minded people who understand.

4. Why do you always have to do the opposite of what you claim you want to do? (think ordering food in restaurants and not eating it, saying you want to work out and then eating ice cream in front of the TV is your sweatpants, etc.)
Part of this is being indecisive….’it’s a girl’s prerogative to change her mind.” And we do THAT a lot. We love you and want your approval and we want to include you in the decision. So when we ask you “Do you want to order Chinese food?” We truly want your opinion. Saying, “I don’t know dear, whatever you want,” does not help in the slightest. We always have 20 reasons why we ask you something. Most of the time, questions are never simple. For example, when we ask you if you want to eat Chinese because 1. We really want to eat it but don’t want to seem like a pig because we ate it last week so we need your approval 2. We’re really lazy and don’t want to cook but we want your approval that it’s ok, etc and so forth. To some degree we say things because we want you to feel highly of us but do the opposite because we’re feeling lazy that day (gym and sweatpants) or don’t want to look fat (ordering and not eating food). However, when you’re in doubt, it’s because we don’t want to seem fat.

5. Why do you have to eat off of our plates when you have your own food in front of you?
Because you’re my boyfriend and I can. Couples do those kinds of things, right? And your food is different and was something I was thinking about ordering so I’m just going to help myself!

6. Why do you feel the urge to keep seeing/talking to/fucking ex boyfriends without the intention of ever getting back together?
We need the attention. We need to feel that we are worthy and beautiful. When you are lonely or have just broken up with a guy you think about getting confirmation from somebody (what better person then that ex boyfriend who tried his hardest to get you back), some kind of love and affection. So unfortunately, we go for easy targets.

7. What the fuck is the deal with letting EVERYONE know that you LOVE TO LAUGH?!?!?!? Who DOESNT like laughing? Seriously, why does that make you so unique?
Because we think it makes us sound like a fun, happy, easy going lady.


Hokay,…..here`s a what you gotta do….
January 30, 2011, 2:56 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Jerzette-  Answers in line below.

1. Let’s say I go to the bar with my girlfriends, is it true that a guy is less likely to approach me? Should I isolate myself? Besides my prompting (and looks obviously), what would encourage  a guy to come over and talk to me?

Yeah, guys aren`t very good at approaching you. Most guys will stick with there own packs for fear of rejection. Isolating yourself can be good if you have some eye contact/mojo going on with a certain guy and want to give him the extra, EXTRA go-ahead to come talk to you. There are a few types of guys that you want to be wary of though. 1.) the kinda average guy who walks around smiling and talking to everybody.(Hes trying to play the numbers game of asking 10 girls to f*ck, and maybe one will say yes). 2.) The extremely good looking guy who suddenly “notices” you across the bar and slides over to whisk you away from your friends. (hes most likely after something bigger, and is using his looks to get it.) But, above all, if a guy is really interested, he`ll get motivated and come talk to you.

2. What actions would make a guy not want to come over and talk to me? What topics are not appropriate when a guy first starts talking to me?

if you are way too drunk and just hanging out with all of your way too drunk girlfriends screaming “Wooooooooo!” for no reason, that will turn most guys off. If a guy comes over to talk to you, hes gonna be nervous, so if you can, jus try to stick to asking him questions about himself first. So, “whats your name?” “where did you go to college?” “What do you do for a living?” Then move into better stuff like, “What made you want to come over here and talk to me?”


3. How do I set myself apart from other beautiful girls at a bar/social event?

Eh, there really isnt much you can do here. Stereotypically “hot” girls are gonna draw the crowd at first, …always. Thing is, girls like that only get along with stereotypically “hot” guys most of the time, so all the guys with something to say/opinions/and IQ above 85 will inevitably get bored and look to do/go somewhere else. So, best thing you can do is not act jealous, not pander for attention, and just kinda bide your time until they get bored with the shiny object. If people do want to go somewhere else, recommend a different place if you can, then you`re the “good idea chick”.

4. When guys get my number, why don’t they ever call?

Cause they were just using you as target practice for when they can find “better” girls to hit on. So, same reason you guys dont call/dont return messages.

5. When a guy goes to a bar, what are his expectations for the night?

If he`s with a bunch of guys, to get drunk and rowdy. This includes doing a bunch of shots, picking fights over pool games, puking in alleys, trying to make out with as many chicks as they can whilst using a fake name, etc. If he`s by himself, or with one other friend and its NOT a sports bar with a big game on, …meet chicks.

6. When the guy does call, why does he wait so long before making that call?

Because of the movie “Swingers.” Two days is like industry standard, six days is kinda money…..

They think it makes them look unavailable and will in turn make you want them more.

7. If I get the guy’s number, can I call him the next day?

Two days is like, industry standard. Six days is kinda money……

Im just kidding. Two or three days is fine. Gives you enough time to sort through all the details with your girlfriends and for him to start wondering if you`ll call.

8.What do you think of online dating? Do you think that’s a good way to meet a guy?  What should I/shouldn’t I put in a profile?

Its a good way to keep a superficial toe in the water. I would lean toward saying that sites you pay for like eHarmony, Match.com and JDate have more serious people on it. OkCupid is like an open air market for genitalia.

So, to recap, here is a sketch of what guys deal with when trying to approach girls. (Thank you to Jon Favreau  and “Swingers”)



The Wheels Are Turning
January 29, 2011, 10:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

1. Let’s say I go to the bar with my girlfriends, is it true that a guy is less likely to approach me? Should I isolate myself? Besides my prompting (and looks obviously), what would encourage  a guy to come over and talk to me?

2. What actions would make a guy not want to come over and talk to me? What topics are not appropriate when a guy first starts talking to me?

3. How do I set myself apart from other beautiful girls at a bar/social event?

4. When guys get my number, why don’t they ever call?

5. When a guy goes to a bar, what are his expectations for the night?

6. When the guy does call, why does he wait so long before making that call?

7. If I get the guy’s number, can I call him the next day?

3.What do you think of online dating? Do you think that’s a good way to meet a guy?  What should I/shouldn’t I put in a profile?



Come on, bite the Apple….
January 29, 2011, 7:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Faithful Jerzette-

You will have many conflicting and complimenting feelings during this trying period, at one moment they may seem solidified, and at another quite scattered. Trust that eventually, the pain you feel will become the less discernable part of the situation you were extricated from. You will eventually accept the idea that at the time of your relationship, neither of you were fit to participate in one which would end in a marriage. (some term this “successful”).

That being said, you are doing a good job of not distracting your self form feeling your feelings, nor giving them way too much power over you. Now you come to the point where your filthy, worldly, flesh driven urges and desire for companionship bring you to a crossroads as tehy do for all healthy young people…..the dating world.

And as Eve once said to Adam, “Come here, bite this apple…..”

 

1.  What do guys look for in a female that would make him approach her?

As with girls, every guy looks for something different. But, generally speaking, when you go out put on some makeup, make your lips look inviting (gloss, etc.) and wear some that shows off your Assets but isnt slutty. We like to see what your body looks like without being given the whole thing. Trust me, our imaginations for that sort of thing are highly developed.

2. How do I need to present myself in a way that a guy would be comfortable in approaching me? ie dressing up – so he doesn’t think I am a slut or too boring, posture, conversation, eye contact, etc…

See above for some of this. But, as far as being approachable, this is where the game starts being played. Guys will most likely not approach you in bars because they think that women act like they do in porn and fall at their feet all the time,…yeah, that never happens, cause its porn not real life. Best thing you can do, is pick out a few guys you would want to talk to you, catch their eyes, hold them for a second, and then give a little wave and say hello. This way, even across the bar he is sure that you want to talk to him and the onus is on him to start something. (he`ll know this.) If he doesnt approach you, hes either not interested or has no spine and has thus eliminated himself from competition.

3. Do I tell guys that I am newly single? Is that a bad idea?

If you are just looking to get your plumbing cleaned, mentioning this after the fact can be a great escape tactic. But if you are actually trying to practice getting to know someone, flirting, etc. its not a good idea. Its a red flag to guys when we hear that. Its like you are giving your self the go-ahead for erratic behavior. Most guys have been in a situation (at least once in college) where they meet an attractive girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend and they think they will be the recipient of some ‘I need to feel attractive” nookie but end up listening to her cry at 4am after having run up a 120$ bar tab.

4. If a guy tries to give me his number do I take it or instead ask to give him mine? If I ask him for his number, does that hurt his manhood?

If a guy gives you his number, just take it. That way its up to you if you wanna call him the next day. (you guys get beer goggles too) If you give him your number, he`s 95% gonna contact you, so be sure you want that to happen. If you ask for his number it doesnt hurt his manhood, it just pumps up his ego. Plain spoken-ness of interest is never a bad tactic with guys.

5. How do I nicely reject a guy’s advances?

You let him talk to you, but dont let him buy you any drinks. Then, when he gets to familiar, you say “Im having an ok time talking with you, but physically you arent what Im attracted to. I just wanted to tell you” And then let him go on blabbering without missing a beat. If it doesnt sink in there, just be firmer later. It`ll work. Nobody in a bar likes to see some skeezebag taintgargle harassing a girl who isnt having it. When you go to a bar with your girlfriends, you are bringing the most valuable “commodity” to “the market”. As long as you dont abuse that power, you can control your night very well.

6. Should I buy a drink for a guy I like or should I wait until he comes over to me?

Only if he buys you a drink first and you actually like him.

7. How do I get a guy I’m attracted to come up and talk to me?

See above and do the “wave” thing.

8. How do I know if a guy just wants to sleep with me?

He`ll overcompliment you, try to get you drunk/pay for everything/get too touchy feely/ engage in too much alpha male display behavior. That, or if you see him going from girl to girl trying the same line over and over. Usually, what will happen is he will get waaay more drunk than you and start slurring his inner filthy desires “sexily” in your ear (read: slobber). Just push him off of you. If he wont go away, tell the bouncer or bartender, they`ll handle it.

Even though I may not be ready to jump into another relationship just yet, your guidance will give me the confidence for when I am ready.  The breakup with my ex was heartbreaking because I thought ‘he was the one’. Even though this breakup was tough, it has strengthened my desire to find a compatible partner. It has only made me stronger. Again, thank you for your advice, patience and listening to my wailing.

Of course my child. I am here on a mission of mercy. Everyone thinks the one they are with before the find their mate is “the one”. Its natural to not want to go through 100 iterations of dating a parter before finding one, we  all want this process to end as quickly as it can.

I leave you with the words of the great Paul Westerberg: