Thepopeofastoria’s Weblog


WHY YOUR ARTS DEGREE WAS THE DUMBEST THING YOU`VE EVER DONE YOU A**HOLE
April 3, 2013, 11:13 pm
Filed under: Papal Wisdom, Uncategorized

ok, ok, I know…..you`re fucking “special” you “just light up a room” (according to your Aunt Marian) and in allll your high school dance/ sorority/fraternity formal photos you always struck a “different” pose than everyone.  And because of this and your either wildly out of check or profoundly insecure ego, you chose to major in Theater/Painting/Vocal Performance/ International Affairs & Interpretive dance….

HAHAHAH! JOKES ON YOU !!! YOU JUST COMMITTED CAREER SUICIDE!!!!!

An arts degree in this era`s job market is pretty close to getting a Nazi tattoo on your fucking forehead. Its a terrible fucking idea, nobody will believe your rationale even if they say they do, and its permanent. ITS A PERMANENT FUCK UP.  Maybe you`re a rich kid who`s father owns a successful company and he`s going to hire you no matter what, still no safety. Everyone who isnt your Dad`s spawn worked really hard to get there and they want to know exactly what kind of kid they are going to have to babysit. Once they find out you think youre an actor or rockstar your credibility is pretty much shot with them too. Here are the top reasons why youre a dumbfuck if you go to college for an art degree:

1) See Nazi forehead tattoo analogy

2) People will ALWAYS think you are either stupid or emotionally unstable

3) You spent 4 years learning exactly zero useful real word skills. Doing a sound and movement exercise called “What IS a spreadsheet? : a 9/11 retrospective” is nowhere near the same as knowing how to use a pivot table or vlookup.

4) You severely limit your power to negotiate…..anything. This is because a) you never learned how or what regular people want or need and b) by getting an arts degree you “signal” (in the economic sense, look it up James Dean!) that you are juuuust fine and dandy being a low level drone and willing to accept whatever “direction” you are given. Training as an artist  in an academic setting actually kills your free thinking ability because in order to grade you they need an objective goal for you to hit, which becomes your ability to “take direction”.  Do you think Bill Gates waited to find out what his “character motivation” was, NO he did not. He built Microsoft, what the fuck did you do today? Learn more lines from Fight Club and skip class? Greeeeaaaaat…..

5) NOBODY FUCKING CARES.  This is the one that I think shocks most 19-21 year old dipshits the most. I know, you `ve been told your whole life that everything you do or think is unique and deserves a spot on the grand fridge of life. It very well might, but until you convince at least 100,000 people to think exactly like your dear old mom and dad, it doesn`t amount to a hill of catshit.( oh, also fuck your cat and its stupid artistic name). is this a shock? Absolutely. Is it fair? Absolutely not.  Is it the way it is?  Always has been.  People talk about following their passion all the time. This is good advice except they leave out the portion about having to sacrifice, make the tough choices and work very, very hard to earn that chance. Arts programs do you a grave disservice by helping you buy into the fact that its all the fluffy bullshit that matters.

6) The arts is a business, but its the shittiest run business in the world. Its full of selfish, pathological assholes who need to affirm their self worth by keeping others down. Its a vicious, negative, ugly cycle that takes perfectly able people and wastes the 20 best years of their lives in dining rooms and bars waiting on assholes who most certainly can only pay for people to hand around and be nice to them.

That being said, if you are young, swallow this pill and take some action. If you really love sculpting, or painting, or whatever, thats fine. You should follow it up, but the fact is nobody can be prolific and do anything for 24 hours a day. Having no job to “work on your craft” just leads to getting drunk in your friends` kitchens and getting into fights with your boyfriend/girlfriend because you have no direction no job and nothing to show for it. Don`t get it twisted, having a restaurant job is just subsidized alcoholism. You work odd hours, you get out at 2am with a hand full of cash and all your other addict co-workers egging you on. You wake up the next day at 3 in the afternoon hungover, and you have to be back to do it all over again at 5, so where did your creative time go?

Every artist needs a patron, and this not being 1613, we all have to be our own patrons. Would it really be so terrible to get an accounting or finance or MIS degree and have a real job to support yourself?  You can buy all the pottery clay you need, you can audition on weekends, you can take exotic vacations to get yourself some inspiration for paintings. THATS how people make it. Its never overnight, it just looks that way.

How do I know this? Because I was once you, I made the huge fucking mistake of huffing my own farts and it fucked me. Im in business school now, and EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW all they want to talk about is acting. Its like being a convicted sex offender, it just wont go away. I wish someone would have told me this at 20, I might have listened.

Art is a hobby, its not a job. If it becomes a job, you`ve gotten lucky. If not, they be happy with whatever fulfillment it gives you and go out and live a good life in spite of the allure of fame.

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I am your Compass Rose for Emotions…..Amen
April 27, 2012, 8:16 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hello My Child-

I assume you have been well given your conspicuous absence from my Parish, as we all know that the Pope`s wisdom is more fulfilling than rolling face with your besties at a Skrillex show where the Fat Jew is tripping on acid and running around with an air rifle. I have answered your prayers below.

Be well my child

In the name of the Briere, the Giroux and Halladay,

Pope

1. Is it OK to have an office relationship?

-NO. NEVER. IF YOU WANT TO DATE, THATS FINE, BUT ONE OF YOU MUST LEAVE THE COMPANY FIRST. ITS JUST NOT WORTH IT OTHERWISE.

2. Are guys on the lookout to date co-workers?

-NO. GUYS ARE ON THE LOOKOUT TO B*ANG CO-WORKERS WHO GET TOO TIPSY AT THE XMAS PARTY. THAT IS A GENERALIZATION AND IF ROMANCE DOES BLOOM IN THE WORKPLACE, AS IT IS WANT TO DO GIVEN THAT WORK TAKES THE PLACE OF SCHOOLING IN TERMS OF SOCIALIZING DURING ADULTHOOD, REFER TO ANSWER #1.

3. Since there is a very delicate line in the working world, how would you know if a guy was interested in you?

– THE BEST WAY TO TELL IS A DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGE AMOUNT OF ATTENTION. (I.E. IF YOU SPEND ALL DAY GCHATTING OR INTRA-OFFICE IM`ING ABOUT NOTHING, HES PROBABLY INTO YOU)

4. How do I approach a guy at work that I’m interested in?

-CAREFULLY. WAIT FOR THE SIGNS FIRST AND BRING IT UP OUTSIDE OF WORK (PARKING LOT, COMPANY PICNIC, ETC)

5. Are there any do’s and dont’s in office romances?

-YES. DONT DO IT UNLESS ONE OF YOU LEAVES THE COMPANY FIRST

6. There is a co-worker that likes me, and I am not interested. How can get my point across that I’m not interested but not hurt his feelings?

-THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE FIX, BUT PEOPLE TEND TO APPLY THE SAME RULES AS THEY DO IN EVERYDAY LIFE. ALL YOU NEED SAY IS “I CANT, WE WORK TOGETHER AND ITS JUST A BAD IDEA” PROBLEM SOLVED……YOURE WELCOME.

7. There is a new hire who just arrived yesterday. He is really nice and quite attractive. How do I approach him? Also, by employment standards, I am the low man on the totem pole (part-time intern) and I look incredibly young. He is a full-time employee and is around my age. I don’t want him to think I am a 22 year old kid! But how would I drop a hint that I am older and wiser?

-BEGIN TO TALK ABOUT RELEVANT CULTURAL EVENTS TO YOUR AGE. “CAN YOU BELIEVE ITS BEEN 20 YEARS SINCE PEARL JAM`S  “TEN” CAME OUT???  I KNOW I CANT”   IS A GREAT START

8. Speaking of, since I look young, do you think that prevents guys from coming up to talk to me?

-NO, BUT IT MAY DISTORT WHAT THEY WANT FROM YOU. YOUNGER GIRLS ARE NOTORIOUSLY MORE FICKLE AND NAIVE THAN OLDER WOMEN. YOU JUST NEED TO SHOW HIM YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AN AMAZING 5 YEARS AS OPPOSED TO AN AMAZING 5 MINUTES

9. Is flirting with co-workers OK? When does it cross the line?

-FLIRTING IS FINE, IN SOME INSTANCES IT CAN HELP YOU; LIKE IF THE IT GUY HAS A CRUSH ON YOU. BUT IT CROSSES THE LINE WHEN IT BECOMES OVERTLY SEXUAL RATHER THAN JUST PLAYFUL INNUENDO.

The mass is ended, go in peace to love and serve Astoria.

 

 



Navigating Guys and the Workplace
March 16, 2012, 4:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Pope,

I have been working at a new job for three months. I am lucky because I work in an environment that is overrun by guys. However, this has brought up tons of  issues in regards to dating/flirting. I need your advice on how to navigate this new world. Any advice would be appreciative!

1. Is it OK to have an office relationship?

2. Are guys on the lookout to date co-workers?

3. Since there is a very delicate line in the working world, how would you know if a guy was interested in you?

4. How do I approach a guy at work that I’m interested in?

5. Are there any do’s and dont’s in office romances?

6. There is a co-worker that likes me, and I am not interested. How can get my point across that I’m not interested but not hurt his feelings?

7. There is a new hire who just arrived yesterday. He is really nice and quite attractive. How do I approach him? Also, by employment standards, I am the low man on the totem pole (part-time intern) and I look incredibly young. He is a full-time employee and is around my age. I don’t want him to think I am a 22 year old kid! But how would I drop a hint that I am older and wiser?

8. Speaking of, since I look young, do you think that prevents guys from coming up to talk to me?

9. Is flirting with co-workers OK? When does it cross the line?

Thank you,

New World Nancy



“Woul, I dont understand why guys take breakups so haaaaard?”
June 30, 2011, 2:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Natalie: yeah, you want to go out and stay in
in your own way
im still really hung up on why guys take breakups so hard
i want to like research that

me: ok
imagine you are at the michigan dunes
the nice ones
and you drove a long fucking time to get ther
you have someone with you
and you walk out onto the sand
and start to play
and it goes well
so you figure, well, i guess we should build a sandcastle?
and you start building
they help
and then they decided that you`re better at it, so you should just keep building while they lay there and eat and call their MAAAAHM to tell her how hard you are building the sandcastle
and how its totally nicer than the one Jeannie Feldshuh`s husband the internist is building and she should be so pround of her vagspring
so, you keep building
and it gets higher and higher
and more and more opulent
you started with just sand
but its really looking great
and you are proud
me: then, at some point, you finish
and your vag looks at it
allll your hard work
alllll your sacrifice
and she seems un moved by it
and tells you to sit down next to her
and buries your hands in the sand so “she can talk to you, …really”
and then goes into an illogical, hurtful, offensive, emotionally laced, selfish, BETCHY explanation of why she is going to destroy your sandcastle
nee, why she NEEDS to destroy your sandcastle
which to a cack sounds like
” I deserve to destroy all this hard work you have done partly for yourself, but mostly for me”
then she goes over the the water, whistles with her fingers in her mouth
and a huge whale flies from the water, and demolishes your sandcastle
the
whole
fucking
thing
me: then, she hops on the whales back and says “I want you to know that I`ll always love youl, but im not IN LOVE with you, and that we can be friends, because we are in each others lives, even though IM riding away on this whale and prolly will talk shit about you for at least 2.5 years”
which makes no sense
and there you are
on a beach
with sand in your shorts
your hands bound
staring at the site where everything you had built for yourself, for her, for your future, once was
and now, its just a hole tin the ground taht that bitch felt she had a right to create
she leaves you with babbling, half drunk logic on why fucking a bunch of guys is really “all about you” and a fucking haughty, self -entitled decree on why shes “so brave” for fucking up your sandcastle
THATS WHY



PIA
April 13, 2011, 5:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dearest Pissed in Paris,

What an interesting situation to find yourself in. Do you want the short answer? ACCENT. Do you want the long answer? ACCENT. They dumped you because the other guy had an accent. It’s quite shallow, isn’t it? Let me explain.

To me, it sounds like these two Yanks wanted to go out and party. So they thought you would be a good candidate (as I’m sure you’re young, strapping and handsome). Most likely because you did not engage in any witty banter or sexual inuendo they were disinterested. I think they also wanted you to ask them and convince them to go out because…and here’s the shocker — we like it when the man takes charge. And you didn’t. Then they saw an Aussie. Girls get weak in the knees for any kind of accent (with some exceptions — sorry NY and Boston….although it works on some girls). It doesn’t matter what he looked like. He had an accent. Accent = exotic and fun.

Don’t feel bad that these girls ditched you. It doesn’t sound like you wanted their kind of fun anyway (ie puking on the streets of a foreign country, living out their crazy European fantasies and propagating the American stereotype — loud, obnoxious and of course, ignorant.) Kudos to you…you enjoyed Europe without the drama.

If you need me, you know where to find me.

xo Jerzette



The “Better Than” principle
April 12, 2011, 2:10 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

this is another submission by a male member of the parish of Astoria, and, as Pope, I decree it should be answered.

-POA

 

So, I just spent some time in Europe, it was cool. Anyway, one of the nights of my stay, I had to book a hostel instead of a hotel. I was put in a mixed dorm of 6 beds, with male and female roommates. Two of my roommates were sisters from the US. That night they both got dressed to go out ( and impress) and then sat around the room with “nothing to do”. They asked me if I wanted to go to dinner,…I accepted, as I had nothing to do either. Dinner was enjoyable, no sexual innuendo, no awkwardness, just easily pleasant.  They both kept mentioning how tired they were, how much they didnt want to go out, how much they didnt want to drink, etc. I found this odd since I hadnt suggested doing any of the above. Anyway, on the walk back tot the Hostel, they ran into some Australian guy outside. He was fat, bearded, drunk and smoking, but they both ditched me to go perch by him and chatter on and on about nothing. ( the guy was barely forming sentences at this point)  they then proceeded to go out  with him until 2 or 3 ( I know because they made loads of noise when they came back to the room) My question is, what is the grading scale/ strategy for girls when it comes to “dumping one guy and trading up tot he better option?” Was I supposed to pay for everything, laugh for no reason and talk about ho magnificent my p#nis is in order to have them on my bar tab all night?

Thanks Pope,

Pissed in Paris ( sort of)

 

 



Playing Paul Simon tunes on your Heartstrings
March 9, 2011, 10:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

1. The other night at the bar, I was reacquainted with someone I haven’t seen in literally years but we are facebook friends. He is someone that I would like to get to know better. We didn’t get to have the opportunity to talk at all because he was surrounded by friends that dragged him away. He facebooked me that it was nice to see me, etc when he got home at 3am. I want to facebook him back and convey that I would like to catch up with him. How do I do that?

Very simple my child, you simply friend him on facebook and say “It was nice to see you too, maybe I`ll see you in town sometime (include the name of a place you would like to go other than the place you were at.) Bear in mind you havent seen him in years, and after the initial shock has worn off, their might not be  much to discuss.

2. Ok, actually, I’ve already done it. I did it before I could speak to you. It’s been a day and I haven’t heard anything. Should I think he’s not interested? Maybe I read too much into the fact he facebooked me at 3am. Was he just being nice because as a female, I would take it that he went out of his way to facebook me.

HA! Ten Hail Mary`s penance for you on this First Wednesday of Lent! He was most likely busy with something else that had nothing to do with you. he facebooked you at the time he did because thats probably when he got home, and when it occurred to him. Men RARELY have motive for the things they do, they simply do them and examine consequences afterwards. Unless he is a gemini, then he might have all sorts of girly motives.

3. So while I was at the bar, as you know, I briefly spoke to that guy and then he was dragged away by his yelling friends. I wanted to get the opportunity to speak to him again. Pope, you  advised me via text at an ungodly hour (forgive me) to catch his eye and wave him over. Unfortunately, found him much later and he wasn’t even looking in my direction, plus, he was in deep conversation. I never waved him over and I just left the bar, not wanting to disturb him. Ugh, I’m sorry I failed. And not to be braggy (actually yes, let me be for once), I looked kinda hot..why would he not make the effort to come back over to speak to me…unless he wasn’t interested…ahhh the vicious circle!

He probably didnt see you. He probably had other friends talking to him every 5 seconds and was trying to be polite to everyone.

4. Do you think I looked desperate? What do desperate women look like?

No, I dont think you did. Desperate women often get excessivly intoxicated in a small top in the middle of winter, and attempt to whip multiple men  into a competitive frenzy over them, and when they attain their goal, they collapse in tears without rational cause.

5. So all this talk is beginning to make me feel that maybe I’m not ready for the dating thing. What do you think? I seem to be obsessing….

Yes, you are obsessing. My child, if you are not ready you are not ready, it is simple as that. It doesnt mean you wont ever be ready again, it simply means you havent redefined enough of yourself as single to be able to share it with someone new inside the confines of a relationship yet. It is a perfectly normal part of the healing process, and you should not feel pressured to date nor ashamed at your reticence to.

5. But I do know what I’m not obsessing about..the older man that sat next to me on my longggg bus ride to work. It was 7am, I was feeling like crap and wanted to sleep. I knew immediately (from your past advisements) that this older somewhat creepy man was not trying to make small talk but trying to hook up with me. The fact that I could not pretend to sleep anymore and was in the window seat made me a sitting (obviously) duck to his advances. I wish I could have been a cold – hearted you know what but I couldn’t and instead participated in the most boring small talk and took his card. How could I have nipped that in the bud from the beginning (in a nice but straight forward way). And also, are all  guys oblivious to body language and tone? Because Mr. I own my own software company should have been smart enough to realize that I did not want any part of him or his ipad or kindle or fill in the blank.

Ah yes, the Shoescrape Sleazebag in town from Reading, PA for a conference….  It is true, some men will just not take a hint. They arent very good at taking them when we they in relationships with you, so if they are just hitting on you, expect their ability to be nonexistent.  Truth is, there is no nice way. You just have to say “listen, Im glad you are excited about your day, but I need more rest for mine, so I will be sleeping on this ride.”

Women live by an unspoken code of “not being mean” men live by an unspoken code of “say what you mean”. Try to remember that when you are dealing with them, the reaction wont be the same as it would be had you been talking with a girl.

Go in peace my child, and let Jersey be thy Galilee.

Pope of Astoria